Last night i enjoyed a few final smokes before packing up the lighters and ashtrays and shoving everything into a closet. I removed all visual cues that would make me think about smoking.
Today wasn't fun. As soon as i woke up i was trying to figure out ways to get around having to start the challenge. Just one puff, only one smoke after work instead of quitting completely, etc.
The workday was long and unproductive. The thought of smoking was the only thing i could concentrate on.
I was also extra irritable. I'm generally chill in my car but today i wanted to lash out at every driver that wasn't traversing up to my standards.
And then...FAILURE. Lunchtime happened and so did smoking. Unfortunately i didn't actually get rid of my stuff, i just put it away.
Day one and i've already let myself down. Self-doubt, depression, etc. ensues. Capped by more negative behavior. This has been the cycle in the past.
I'm obviously setting myself up to fail but does that mean i don't even want to succeed? I can't answer that question.
I could also concentrate on the positives. Although i smoked, i was able to avoid smoking upon waking up. Small steps. Small victories. There's still 20 days left and i don't plan on failing every day.
New goal is to [not so] gradually reduce the amount of times i smoke each day. By July 4th, i'll no longer be smoking. Hopefully this will make the journey a tad bit more bearable for myself and the people around me.
Don't give up on me on the first day!
