the Ripening: 21 Days

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Introspective Journaling - Conclusion: 20 Introspective Questions

The 21-day introspective journaling challenge has come to an end. To conclude, i will list each question that i pondered. (and link to the answer) I encourage you to ask yourself these questions.

Introspective Journaling - Day 21: What have i learned over the past three weeks?

Being the last day of the challenge, i figured i'd take the opportunity to look back at everything i've written and think about what i've learned.

One is that none of this is important without action. Action is what propels us forward. Goal-setting, list making, and daydreaming all have their place, but without action, it's all meaningless. We (i) can sit and talk about all of these things that i'm going to achieve but without taking a step towards those goals each and every day, they'll never come to fruition. I've read that list-making can be used as a way to procrastinate -- making us feel like we've done something when we really haven't. I feel like this is true for me. I'm not "walking the walk" as i need to be.

One must lead by example.

It's about the grind. I gotta do the shit day in and day out that 99.9% of people aren't willing to do. It's so easy to type but so hard to live up to.

What i've written over the past 21 days is everything i need and more to get started. I'm really starting to run out of excuses. I know what i need to do, i just have to commit to doing it.

I guess i'm scared of the sacrifice. I'm happy being content, but i'm not fulfilled. Fulfillment is the goal. The good news is that the answer is me and i don't have to rely on external factors. It's entirely up to me. I control my own destiny in this regard.

Introspective Journaling - Day 20: What actions do i need to take to reach my goals?

17 books/documentaries - this is one book/documentary every 21 days, the length of a library loan. Even though i don't really go to the library much, it fits in nicely with the whole 21 day theme. I also figure i can also bust out a documentary in a couple of hours if i'm struggling to read.

I'm really trying to make my goals more attainable this year, since i haven't been able to meet them in the past. The above is an example of that. I'm giving myself a backup plan that will still allow me to feel like i was successful.

5000 pull-ups - i do these regularly at work so as long as i'm still working in the same building i don't see an issue. 5000 pull-ups is just under 100 a week, or 20 each working day. i generally take the weekends off to allow recovery and just to simply stop thinking about doing pull-ups.

To not go further into debt - i still have to run the numbers but i've recently invested in a bunch of personal finance books and i'm committed to getting out of consumer debt sooner than later.

I said get married in that other post, but i realized that i'm not supposed to get married until next July, which is out of the 365-day window. However, i'll just say i want to get closer to my partner and not do anything to fuck up our relationship. Obviously, i can't really control whether or not she fucks up but i'm going to do my part.

Karma - I've also revised this goal, too as "doing the right thing" isn't really trackable. Instead, i'll spend 24 hours doing things for other people/beings.

I'll also meditate for 24 hours. The goal of meditating has been a tough one for me to implement but i know how important it is and i really want to implement meditation into my daily life.

That's the plan. Hopefully i'm not struggling with the same shit a year from now.

Introspective Journaling - Day 19: How can i help other people?

I feel like i'm good at listening to others and giving advice. I can also take the knowledge i've learned from school, books, experiences, etc to give advice to other people. I've been approached on innumerable occasions from my friends seeking advice. I had a friend tell me that he likes talking to me because i maintain a neutral position and can offer an alternative, unbiased perspective. For the most part, i can get people to see things in a way that they hadn't thought of before.

Ultimately, though, i need to help myself to help other people. To live life as a role model. To teach and lead by example. To "be the change i want to see in the world."

It all starts and ends with me. I have to find a way to start living my most authentic self. I don't even really know what that fully entails -- but i know that there's a gap between who i want to be and who i am on a daily basis. If i can't be real to myself then how am i supposed to guide other people? Maybe i just have to get over it and fake it 'til i make it. Just start acting like the paragon and eventually i'll become it.

The day-to-day is a struggle though. I feel like i can do the right things for 23.5 hours a day but i fuck up for 30 minutes by doing this or that and it throws everything into a tailspin. I also get down on myself too much.

Gotta learn to let go and let it flow.

Introspective Journaling - Day 18: What are my goals for the next 365?

Tomorrow is my 30 birthday. Each year at this time, i like to set goals for the next year. It's nice because the new year is 6 months away (when people normally make resolutions) so it makes that a good time to see where i'm at and change course if need be.

However, i've basically been setting the same goals year after year only to not complete them. If i made a list today, it would be the same list as last year, which was the same as the year before that, and before that. None of that shit ever got accomplished. I made cute little goal trackers in Google Sheets and everything. When it came down to putting in the work, though, it just didn't happen.

I honestly don't know why. I just didn't want it bad enough. Is that an excuse though? Especially because my goals remain unchanged. Apparently it's at least what i think i want. I also tell myself, "maybe i just don't want this." But that seems to be an excuse too.

The thing about my goals is that they're based on a view / version of myself that's not me. It's the person i want to be as opposed to where i'm at right now.

With that in mind, i'm scrapping [most of] the old goals and writing goals based on who i am at this moment.

For the next year, my focus will be on the following:

Mind - 17 books/documentaries
Body - 5000 pull-ups
Assets - To not go further into debt
Relationships - Get married
Karma - "do the right thing" on a daily basis
Soul - meditate for 24 hours

I will blog about it so this won't be the last you here of these goals. I plan to go more in depth in a later post.

Introspective Journaling - Day 17: What is keeping me from living the life that i want to live?

The short and easy answer is money and fear. Lack of money and abundant fear.

I may be technically less than poor as i'm in debt and don't have any savings. I tell myself that i "deserve" things even though i can't afford them. Consumer debt is the worst.

I'd finally paid off my credit cards a couple years ago when i was suddenly laid off. After that, we decided to move from North Carolina where we'd been back to Ohio to be closer to family. Neither of us had the cash but we had the credit -- and so here we are, back in Ohio. I don't regret it. I'm just broke as fuck.

I got laid off from a job i couldn't stand but i was making good money. Now, I'm at a job that i really like but i'm making way less money than i'm used to having. The lifestyle hasn't been so quick to adjust. Although i've cut out a lot of un-neccessary shit, i'm still living paycheck to paycheck and not putting any sort of dent into the debt situation. (Not to mention assets)

However, the money thing is just an excuse for fear. Being scared of the unknown, maybe. I really don't know what it is. I do a lot of shit other than working hard towards my goals. I make lists and goals and promises but in the end it's all empty. They're all excuses -- delaying my own greatness.

My biggest obstacle is myself. That's the real answer. I'm what is keeping me from living the life that i want to live.

Introspective Journaling - Day 16: If i could go back and change something, what would it be?

If i could go back in time and change something, i would just tell myself to work harder and take it more seriously. I would often shy away from things if i didn't see the benefit. I did enough in school just to get by. I was in advanced placement but i got bad grades in those classes. I simply didn't put in the effort. I missed the opportunity to learn a lot of cool shit. My dad would ask for help doing things but i was too busy doing other things.

Now I'm 30 and can barely turn a screwdriver. Had i been more curious and had some foresight, i would've been much better able to take care of myself and my belongings. My fiance and I recently bought a house and now i'm forced to learn everything for the first time -- instead of already being fully capable.

I can say the same for sports. I was naturally pretty good but i didn't do enough "when nobody was looking" to improve. I was good enough to be a starter in high school but i never earned a scholarship to play in college. I wish i would've tried harder. To have had the "front sight focus" needed to achieve my dreams. I always wanted to be a professional baseball player -- just not bad enough to actually have done anything about it. I felt like being one of the better players on my team was good enough. How naive of me.

Anyways, can't really complain about the past. Only try to learn from it and not continue to make the same mistakes...

Introspective Journaling - Day 15: When i was 10, what did i like to do?

When i think back to being 10 years old some of the things that stand out most are athletics, video games, and friends.

I played competitive soccer and baseball. I would also spend a lot of time playing other sports as well, just not on an organized team. I always had some type of sports ball in my hand. My parents used to call me "Billy Ball," named after a mentally handicapped guy in my parents' hometown that used to walk around town tossing a ball up to himself...

I also played a lot of video games. I probably had a Nintendo 64 at that time. I remember one of my favorite games being Road Rash, a motorcycle racing game in which you'd be able to use weapons to knock other riders off of their bikes. Good times.

I spent a lot of time with friends. I was either at a friends' house or, more often than not, i would have friends over to my place. Glad i had cool parents that didn't mind. Being older, i understand the extra burden and lack of calmness added 10 years old bring. When i was with my friends, we'd spend a lot of time playing sports, or video games, or riding bikes, or hanging out outside. I grew up on a dead-end street with a cornfield at the end of it so there was plenty of nature around. I used to love spending time in the woods.

That was basically it. I played a lot. Either with friends or by myself. I was always outside. Constant ball of energy.

Definitely can't complain about my life at 10. The biggest obstacle in my life at the time was getting my homework done. Those were the days...

Introspective Journaling - Day 14: What piece of advice would i give my 20 year old self?

If i could give the person i was a decade ago advice i would tell myself to concentrate on developing my skills in as many aspects as deemed important. I spent a lot of time when i was 20 fucking around and not getting much accomplished. I would tell myself to take things more seriously. To develop a plan for my future. To experience as many things as possible in order to figure out where i would like to focus.

I'd have spent less time partying and more time studying. Less time playing PlayStation and more time doing cool shit. I definitely could've gotten a lot more out of my college experience had i left my dorm room more often. I stayed in my comfort zone more often than not. Breakthroughs come when we're willing to push ourselves out of our comfort zone. Unfortunately,i'm still more apt to stay comfortable than to do things i'm "scared of -- or the things that i know i should be doing instead of the "instant gratification" things in which i tend to indulge.

I'm not mad that i didn't do these things. Ultimately, i'm pretty happy about where i'm at in life right now and maybe had i done some of those things it would've altered my present state. However, it makes me think about my current actions and i hope that i'm not looking back when i'm 40 with a similar list. A different list is fine -- hindsight is 20/20; just can't be the same things that i'm writing about today.

Introspective Journaling - Day 13: When i'm 80 years old, what will matter most?

The things that will matter most when i'm 80 years old include:

my health - it's important to me that i will be mobile and active in the later stages of my life. i don't ever want to stop living life and start waiting to die. i feel as though if i didn't have my health and the ability to be relatively independent then my old age will be wasted. i want to live life as fully as possible, regardless of my age. Maintaining a level of fitness will certainly contribute.

my family - i anticipate having a slew of family surrounding me. by then, i may have grandchildren and the family tree will have grown. i look forward to sitting back in my old age and looking at the generations coming after me that i had in role in creating. the cycle of life unfolding before my eyes...

my contributions - i hope to amass a lengthy list of positive contributions that i've made over the course of my life. (not that i actually plan on creating a list) If i'm 80 and still feel as though i haven't fully contributed it would be a big disappointment. It has nothing to do with fame or recognition, it's about my own fulfillment through helping others and feeling as though i left the world a better place than i'd came into it.

If these three things are in line when i'm 80 -- i don't think that i'd have too much to complain about.

Introspective Journaling - Day 12: What am i grateful for?

I'm grateful for my family. They are beyond supportive and are there for me if i were to need them.

I'm grateful for my fiance. She makes me a better person and puts up with my shit.

I'm grateful for my friends. I cherish our relationships and hope to foster deeper friendships with those around me.

I'm grateful for my dog -- who taught me how to truly love another being and to have patience.

I'm grateful for my house. I'm happy to be a homeowner and have a place to call my own move closer toward self-sufficiency.

I'm grateful for my job. It pays the bills and i don't actually mind what i'm doing on the day-to-day. (which hasn't always been the case in previous jobs)

I'm grateful for my fraternity. I never thought i'd be the type of person to join a college fraternity but now that i've lived it i couldn't imagine my life without those guys.

I'm grateful for my health. Physical and mental. Even though I don't treat my body as best as i could, it's never really let me down. Same with my head.

I'm grateful for my wealth. Technically, i'm in a bunch of debt so don't really have "wealth" but i'm not struggling by any means. I have everything that i need and more.

I'm grateful for being born in this country. Birth is a lottery. I could've just as easily been born in a war-torn or third world country where my entire existence would have been entirely different -- or non-existent.

Introspective Journaling - Day 11: Who are my role models?

My role models are people who do the right thing in the hardest of situations.

People who respect the earth and treat all beings with kindness.

These people are also entrepreneurs and/or make money doing the things that they love to do.

They understand their place in the universe and how small we really are.

They do not have big egos.

They have the ability to see multiple sides of the story.

Their beliefs are not set in stone.

I look up to people who are fit and healthy. Who eat the best possible food that they can find.

People who are disciplined and have no problem doing the small things day in and day out to be successful.

People who aren't afraid to be themselves -- as long as it's not infringing on the liberty of others.

Those who aren't happy with the status quo.

People who create solutions instead of simply talking about the problems.

People who will continue to educate themselves until the day that they die.

These are the traits of the people that i look up to and try to embody myself.

Nobody can live up to this lengthy list but actual people who come to mind include Joe Rogan, Tim Ferriss, Steve Rinella, Kai Green, Ron Finley, Laird Hamilton, Joe Desena, Aubrey Marcus, and Mark Divine. Google 'em. That list is full of knowledge and their networks are far-reaching. (Not that i actually know any of these people but they appear to be people that I strive to be like.)

Introspective Journaling - Day 10: If my life was ending at 40, what would i do?

if i knew that i was going to die in a decade i would probably start living life a little more recklessly. Smoke tons of cigarettes, drink a beer for breakfast every now and again, stop exercising, and overall just not giving a fuck. I don't know if any of that is true or not. Actually, i'm pretty sure that it isn't true. Anyways...

One of my first thoughts was that i'd have a child. But is that right for me to have a kid knowing that i won't be there to watch him or her grow up? Never be able to watch them play high school sports, or go to prom, or college, or get married, etc. That would be a helluva tough decision. A lot of it would obviously depend on what the other half thought. I can't make a baby by myself. She'd also carry the burden once i've passed. It's not like i have a stash of millions of dollars i can hand over before i die. It's an interesting question that i don't have an answer for at this point.

I'd like to think that i'd do more to try and embrace each day and get the most out of it. Kind of makes me feel like an asshole for not already feeling that way. To be honest, i'm not sure that much would change. The truth is, if that's what i really wanted to do i would already be doing it.

I got this question from MarcandAngel and when i read it i thought about all of the great things that i would do until i came to that realization discussed above. I'm sure this type of response isn't what they had in mind -- but it definitely made me contemplate.

Introspective Journaling - Day 9: What do i like about myself?

I like my ability to see the larger picture. While some people are quick to get upset, i'm able to keep my calm. Friends often come to me for advice, and i don't mind sharing my thoughts and opinions with them.

I'm generally happy with my body. of course, i'd rather have six pack abs and all that, but i don't really have any body-image issues.

I'm compassionate and empathetic. I try to treat all beings with respect. I try to rescue bugs in my home as opposed to killing them. I spend a majority of my food budget on organic food. The chicken is pastured and/or free range. The beef is grassfed.

I go out of my way to help other people. I'd much rather inconvenience myself than to see somebody else inconvenienced.

I'm a team-player. I was never the best athlete on the team but i tried to be a role model.

I'm [somewhat] aware. Compared to a majority of Americans, i feel like i'm more in-tuned with what's going on. I notice things most people ignore.

I'm a good friend. I try to put others first.

I do things behind the scenes that i'll never get credit for. I can't count all of the little things i do just out of kindness on a regular basis that nobody would ever notice.

I'm reminded of a situation about a decade or so ago when i was living in a fraternity house. One of my brothers came and found me outside and said something along the lines of, "you're a good dude. i wish more people were like you." What did i do that made him say that? Cleaned out the lint trap in the dryer after i used it. He said in all the times that he'd used the dryer, not once was that lint trap clean. Apparently he hadn't washed his clothes after me...

The little things make a difference, even though most will go unnoticed. You never know whose life you're impacting.

Introspective Journaling - Day 8: What is my ultimate contribution?

I have yet to figure out why i was put on this planet. Based on all of the information i consume, apparently "finding your passion/purpose" is pretty important to leading a happy life and feeling fulfilled.

I have plenty of ideas, but nothing has been potent enough to get me to stop and concentrate on it fully. I want to be absorbed in something. Preferably, something that i could also get paid for. I'm an amateur at plenty of things but i don't really consider myself a professional in anything.

Some advice i have heard for finding your passion is as follows:

- what type of activity do you fully engage to the point of losing track of time?
- brainstorm a list of things that you might think that you're passionate about. Write for a set period of time without stopping. Review the list. The thing that makes you "cry" is the thing you're passionate about. (or the thing that makes you the most emotional)

I had an experience like this when i was watching Jiro Dreams of Sushi. At one point, a woman takes a bite of his sushi and she basically melts. For that moment, she has forgotten everything around her and is experiencing pure in-the-moment awareness. She has no fears, no worries, not a negative thought in her mind. I want to give that feeling to people.

I just don't know how yet. In that example, it was food -- but i don't think i'd enjoy cooking for other people all day. I like to eat more than i like to cook.

Eventually -- hopefully -- i'll figure it all out.

Introspective Journaling - Day 7: What if money were no issue?

If the majority of my days weren't spent chasing a paycheck in order to pay bills i would be able to more closely focus on the things that are really important to my highest self.

I would make it a point to spend time each and every day in nature. This could be going for a walk, a hike, a bike ride, playing sports, gardening etc. Aside from the numerous health benefits, i just feel better when i'm able to get outside. Nature also has a way of calming my mind and body. It also reminds me of how tiny i am and how lucky i am to be a part of this beautiful world.

If exercise wasn't already incorporated into my nature-time, i'd make sure to spend a little bit of time on this aspect as well. It's not necessary to go the gym if you find ways to be more active in your everyday life.

I would also volunteer at various organizations on a regular basis. I'd estimate that I'd spend around 20 hours per week volunteering. Any organization that shares my vision would be a candidate for my volunteer time.

I'd eat at more restaurants. I like going out to eat, and if budget weren't an issue I'd spend time exploring some of the great food around the area. Same goes for breweries. I really enjoy a good craft beer.

Ultimately, I'd do more of the things I already tell myself that I want to do. The things that seem to take a backburner to "earning a living."

Introspective Journaling - Day 6: What would I change about myself?

i would give myself the ability to delay gratification. i have a problem balancing what's best for my long-term self and what's good in the here-and-now. Partly because tomorrow isn't promised, but mostly because i can't tell myself "no." That's why i drink too much and eat shitty food. It's short term satisfaction over long term fulfillment.

i would also allow myself the freedom to be myself. [mostly] all of us put up some sort of a facade. some just a little, and others full-on performances. i'm mostly real, but i still don't feel like i'm able to be fully transparent.

i would find the motivation to jump out of bed early each morning and fill my days with worthwhile accomplishments. I don't know why i'm unable to do this now, but the lure of the warm comfy bed in the morning is undeniable.

I would eat more cleanly. My diet would closely resemble the Paleo Diet, even though i wouldn't subscribe to any particular school of thought.

I would also inject more leisure into my life. Downtime is currently spent in a boring manner, laying about. It's largely about the energy the energy levels, which can be improved greatly by a clean diet, exercise, and plenty of sleep.

i'd give more of myself to others. i am somewhat selfish. i can go to much greater lengths to make sure the beings around me are comfortable. Taking my dog on more walks and trips to the park, for example. He loves his life -- it's not like he's neglected, but i could make sure he had more fun.

I'm sure there's plenty of other things that i could change but that's a decent list to get me started. All of these have the ability to be improved upon.

Introspective Journaling - Day 5: Where do I see myself in 10 years?

i make the assumption even though we ought to remember that this life isn't promised. i can't promise that i'll be here tomorrow, let alone a decade from now. I don't say that to be morbid, just realistic.

with that said, in 10 years i would like to think that i'm happily married with a child or two. my dog will be old but he'll still be around.

i plan to be living in the same house that my fiance and i own now. it will look much nicer because we'll have had 10 years to make upgrades and renovations. Unless i come into some of that real paper and can move to a lakefront home. I'd love to look out my back window in the vastness of Lake Erie. A private beach for summertime bonfires would be ideal.

i will have gained 10 years of knowledge and experience so i fully intend to be a much "better" person than i am today. I don't plan to stop writing, so just think of how much material i'll have created.

i will be more physically fit than i am today and my body will more closely resemble my 17 year old self even though i will be 40.

i will have gotten myself out of consumer debt. hopefully this happens way sooner than 10 years from now, though.

I'll have a new car, but only because the '02 Ford Focus isn't going to make it that long. it'll probably be a 4wd crossover or a pickup truck.

i will be a role model for my children, and well-known in my community for my unselfishness and giving spirit.

Introspective Journaling - Day 4: What do i want?

I want the freedom to do what i please where i please as long as it's not interfering with the wellbeing of others.

I want to live as an example for how others should live.

I want a healthy mind, body, and soul.

I want to improve on a daily basis -- getting incrementally better each day.

I want the world to be a better place. I want humans to stop acting out of greed. I seek cooperation over competition. We are stronger when our efforts are combined.

I want to be my best self. To fulfill the purpose of my being. It's unclear what my purpose is at this point so i'll add that i want to find my purpose!

I want to be the best person i can be and to impact as many beings as possible. I use "beings" because i don't want to limit my impact to humans. It should extend to plants, animals, bugs, etc. I try not to kill bugs in my home -- instead choosing to take them outside. I kill the scary ones though. I gotta get better at that. Fear overcomes and it's easier to use a shoe than to transport in a cup.

I want to leave a legacy that people that come after me can be proud of what i did.

I want to use my time wisely.

I want to be a more honest person.

I want to live more authentically.

There are plenty of wants in my life. It's easy to think about my perfect self or future self and fantasize. It's about making the steps today to become that person. I lack action. I want to be more action-oriented!

Introspective Journaling - Day 3: What am i scared of?

What am i scared of?

spiders. i don't like spiders. and snakes. basically anything with less than two legs or more than four. although there's probably plenty of scary 2 and 4-legged beings that would be scary under certain circumstances.

Aside from bugs, animals, and humans, i don't like heights. i fell down a short but steep rocky cliff once when i was 16. i walked out on my own but i don't remember it. A couple of staples in the head and stitches in the chin and knee and i was okay. I could've/should've been dead.

I'm also scared of dying of in a car accident. i feel like i'm going to die that way. stats show that accidents are one of the leading causes of death for men under 40.

Drowning would suck. So would burning to death. Or sinking in quicksand. Basically death is pretty scary because of the unknown-ness of it. I just don't want to suffer as i die. Take me in my sleep when i'm like healthy and 109...

On a deeper level, i claim that i'm afraid of not fulfilling my potential -- although my daily actions wouldn't support that. I don't grind hard enough. I find excuses and allow myself to get wrapped up in the day to day. Goals remain the same year after year. I plan my ass off. That's just another distraction and an excuse not to start.

Ultimately, i don't want to move on from this earth without having made contributions in which i'm proud. The point when i can rest easy knowing that i did my part to leave this planet and its' beings better than i came into it.